When I Grow Up....

Sunday, May 17, 2015

In high school I was a nanny for a family who had their act together.

I remember my senior year, the mom asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I told her that really I just wanted to be a stay at home mom... It seemed it wasn't a sufficient enough answer, and I had always been on the college path.

For a brief 18 months it seemed like I was on track to make my goal... I was in a serious relationship, headed towards marriage, planning my wedding. And we broke up. And that is okay.

I'm 25 and I surely thought by now I would be married with kids. As the last of my college friends settles down this summer I try to stand quietly and rein myself in. I try so so so so hard to be happy every time I hear a girlfriend is engaged or pregnant. I try so hard to be as nice as possible and not to wish I was them instead. I try so hard not to look at my life and question. I try not to wonder what is wrong with me or why I haven't followed the path everyone else has-the one thing I have always wanted for my life.

I'm 25 and I'm going back for college round 2. Short-term goal: work on labor and delivery, have some initials following my name, BSN, RN. Long term goal: become a midwife. I finally figured out that if I can't have my own children delivering someone else's might be a pathetic replacement.

I know that God's plan for my life is supposed to be sanctification. That whatever is happening or whatever He is asking of me is supposed to make me holier, supposed to make me more ready to live with Him forever in Heaven. I have zero percent of an idea of what He is doing with my life, because being single does not seem to bring out the best in me or even begin to lead me towards virtue.

When I grow up...maybe I'll be a wife and mother... If not, I'll help the women that I'll never be.