Looking Back

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Yesterday was a hard day.

Losing my keys/wallet left me in such a tizzy, frustrated with my plans that were changed and disappointed that I hadn't got anything done.

Last night I tried and tried to go to sleep but I found myself exhausted and yet somehow awake. Which pretty much never happens to me...after some troubleshooting I figured maybe the iced coffee I drank around 9 had something to do with it?

Yesterday I cycled through accepting where I am in life and hating it. I felt unsettled and not at peace all day. When I told my "little sister" about how I felt she asked me a bigger question, "What does Jesus say?"

And it stopped me in my tracks.

Because I didn't have an answer.

Have I been quiet enough to hear? Have I actually listened?

I don't think so.

Last night when I couldn't sleep I pulled my old prayer journal off the shelf and cracked it open to this time last year. And I read entries from fall through Ash Wednesday.

I was surprised by what I found.

I had really really great days in Georgia. I knew that. But I also had really really hard times, that I had managed to forget. I had the months where I didn't know what was next for me, if I would be a missionary or not, and if I would, if that would involve another cross-country move. I had times where I felt alone. I had times where I was dissatisfied. I had times where I had a sinus infection during offsite.

And I had times of grace. I had times where I felt Jesus' love and focused on believing it. I saw myself feel content for the first time in my life. I had times when I enjoyed being single. I had encouraging words from my friends and from my spiritual director. And those things are still true.

So I know this too shall pass. I will have good days and I will have bad days. I will have times of grace and I'll have times when I realize I haven't stopped complaining enough to hear Jesus' voice. And hopefully when I look back, I'll see the good again and overlook the difficulties.

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