Goodbyes are Getting Easier

Friday, December 21, 2012

The goodbyes are getting easier.

I hate that.

This May when I left all my friends and acquaintances from the last three years, it broke my heart. I cried every time another one of my friends left for home after graduation.

This July I cried when I left them again after fundraising. I even cried while I was with them, spending the night in the same room, I missed them so much.

In September I cried when my best friend's mom picked me up from the airport. I cried as my best friend got married. I wept the next day as my girlfriends took me to the airport. I cried when my teammate picked me up and I realized I was away again.

Now it's December, and I just finished a week in the KC. I said so many goodbyes without crying. I told people I wouldn't see them until May. Five months. This morning I said goodbye and cried. And went to Mass and cried. And said, "Really, Jesus, you want me to go back?"

I'm going back.

It was hard, but not as hard as May.  Not as hard as September. I'm getting used to the goodbyes. It's a standard of my life, especially life in the mission... constant change.

I know right now I'm not ready to settle down. I know Jesus has me in this constantly changing field, where only the next few months are always predictable. But staying in one place-getting friends, being rooted, developing routines-looks really attractive.

For now, I'll just be thankful my goodbyes don't hurt my heart as much as they used to...

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Being back in the Kansas City feels like being back home.

Most days I really wonder where and when I will finally settle down, or at least have something stable in my life (besides from our Lord, I guess). I know that I do enjoy my adventurous life. But it would be kind of nice.

When it boils down to it, I know that I'm not ready to be settled yet. It's attractive, but I don't think I would be content there yet.

And as far as settled, I don't know exactly what that means for me yet, either. Some days I feel like it's definitely marriage and a family in the world. Some days I feel like my relationship with Jesus is so much to keep track of that I'm not sure if I could have an intimate relationship with another person... But babies are just so cute.

The dating fast continues, and I continue my prayer and allowing the Lord to pursue my heart.

This is Called a Blog.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Soooo I've had a blog on and off the past couple years.

And now I've decided that I want to blog. And this will be for me.

And for you, if you read it, I guess.

This will be for me, so one day I can look back and remember who I was when I was 23.
This is for if I get married and have children and one day they grow up and have children, and my grandchildren can see their story.

This is for all the things that don't quite fit in my prayer journal or smashbook.

So here is my bloggy blog.